Sojo

So, I consciously made the decision to move 200 miles away from home. I knew it was the right thing for me to do. Mostly because I was so attached to home that I knew at some point I needed to grow up and move on. Everyone does it, and fall of 2011 was my time.

I left my mom, dad, younger brother and twin sister back at home and the first two weeks of college were hell for me. I'm not even exaggerating. I walked around campus with a heavy weight on my heart and almost constant tears brimming in my eyes. I had yet to mature enough to understand that I was not dying...I was just growing up. Growing up hurts. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

So, since my parents got divorced, or really were separated, in 2009 I've felt extremely responsible for my siblings well-being; especially for my younger brother, whom we call "Sojo."
(Explanation: when he was very young he couldn't say his name and called himself Sojo. Cute, right?? Well, it stuck.)
I've just kind of taken care of him since mom and dad decided to split. When we moved into our new house with Mom during the summer of '09 I took on the responsibilites of a stay-at-home mom. I was responsible for getting Sojo to all of his practices, rehearsals, wherever he needed to be, I had to get him there. I was fine with that, it really didn't bother me. I've always had motherly tendencies; I like to take care of people. During those two and a half years, Sojo and I became best friends. We rarely fought or even disagreed to the point of argument. So, the fact that all the sudden I was 200 miles away from my best friend was an emotional shock I wasn't ready for.

The reason I tell you all this is because today this has been a heavy burden on my heart. I've gotten so much better at handling my homesickness and missing Sojo, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Again.

Whenver Sojo does something awesome like getting his liscence or experiences a hardship like a nasty, horrible ex-girlfriend trying to ruin his life, I feel so guilty for leaving him to fend for himself. Leaving him to brave the hard things in life and fight his way through this cruel world.
Yes, I do realize that eventually, whether I stayed in Ohio or not, he would have had to do things for himself and learn the hard way. So, that's probably another reason God put me here. 200 miles away: so I wouldn't interfere with him growing up and moving on.

Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand. I mean, if you got a call from your brother late at night because he wanted to ask you if he's a completely horrible person, you'd wish you hadn't left too. Sometimes this is the hardest part of life for me. It's been such a learning experience but a huge burden and hardship at the same time.

So, to the point. Tonight was Sojo's opening night as a lead in our high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof. I wasn't there. I was here in Kentucky. 200 miles away. This is such a big event in his life, and I'm not there. It hit me about the time the curtain would be opening. I realized I wasn't there, anticipating his entrance in the musical. I wasn't there with his favorite candy (since flowers are girly...) and a nice card which contains a handwritten note about how proud I am. Yes, I will be there for the other 3 shows this weekend, but still. He was always there for me on opening night. Every show. He was there. I always got the biggest hugs when he came through the cast line.

Sojo, I'm sorry that I've failed you as a big sister. Again.

I know I say this a lot... but you know I would be there if I could.

Love you, bruh.

Always.

It's Been a Few Days too Long...

So, I've slacked. Big time. My apologies!

Today I conquered my performance anxiety by a little more! My piano teacher had me play in front of my Music Theory class which is about 30 people. Oh, and the catch? I didn't know when I during class I was going to play. She kept it a secret. She's a sneaky one, she is. So I had to sit through class not knowing when she was going to look at me and say, "Sadie, go play. Now." (If you knew my piano teacher you would know that the tone or inflection of that command is not mean in any way whatesoever.) The whole class period my heart was pounding and I was short of breathe, but you know what? When she looked at me with 5 minutes left in the class time and said, "Sadie, go play. Now." I did it. And I played my Chopin Prelude in b minor the best I had ever played it. That made me realize that I can do this. I can play my Chopin Prelude in front of 100 people at Convocation. (Oh, and my mom is coming down for it, which I'm totally stoked for!)

My piano teacher gave me an assignment to find someone different to play for every day until I perform at Convocation on April 17th at 11:00am in Cralle Theater. Do I cry or puke when I think of that? No. Not anymore. All my piano major friends pull me into practice rooms randomly and tell me to play for them. It's so good to know that they all care so much about my success! That, and they've been where I am so they understand what it's like and they appreciated what their upperclassmen friends did for them. I have a particular piano major friend, Louie, who makes me incredibly nervous. Thanks to our piano teacher he is now aware that of everyone on Bellarmine's campus he is the person who makes me the most nervous. So he now makes me play for him whenever I see him, which I am incredibly grateful for! I love Louie. If you knew him, you would love him too. I promise you that. It's a 100% guarantee.

Today I'm just appreciating the simple things in life and I am content where I am in life. I know that I'll improve at whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm working on or being an adult...I know that will come with time. So, instead of always wanting more than I have and always being discontent with my progress (especially with things that take time to develop) and with my life I will just appreciate what I do have, what I can do and be joyful at how much I've progressed.

I hope your day was as eye opening as mine was!
Love you guys.

Anxiety

About two to two and a half years ago I developed an anxiety problem.
I think it started about the time we moved into a house in town with my mom when my parents got separated. I was in charge of the house, for the most part, while mom was at work. I cleaned, did laundry, did the dishes and all the house stuff which included running my younger brother wherever he needed to go. So, I'm not sure if I just had abandonment issues, or what it was but I started freaking out (hyperventilating, skyrocketed heartbeat, etc.) whenever I couldn't get ahold of the people who meant the most to me: my mom, brother, twin sister and my boyfriend at the time.

Unfortunately, I didn't deal with it when it started and so it's just gotten worse over time. There are a lot of triggers to my anxiety attacks, and now it's starting to really affect my life. I can freak out for any of the following reasons: my mom, brother, dad or good friend/boyfriend doesn't answer their phone, I eat something that is a common allergen, a person I know dies, I walk by myself (day or night), I have to perform for people (the larger the number, the worse it is), and talking in front of people I don't know or are intimidated by. At least, those are the ones I can think of at the moment.

So, as a music major I have to perform in front of my fellow music majors at an event we call "Convocation" which happens every Tuesday. I haven't had to play at convocation yet, but on April 17th I have to. I'm going to play a Chopin piece from memory, which, if you're a piano person you know that's not easy. At all.

Whenever I sit down to practice and memorize the piece I freak out. I start thinking about having to play from memory and the fact that there will be 80 people. All watching me. My eyes tear up and my breathing gets shallow, my heart rate rises rapidly. I've learned a few tricks here and there to calm myself down, but as Convocation gets closer my anxiety gets worse.

I need to get over this. I want to, I really do. People (some of my family even) say I'm just being dramatic, that I'm overreacting...but no one in their right mind chooses to be this way. This is not fun, it's not something I like to do. I hate this, I hate being this way.

I will overcome this. I don't have a choice.

Young, Wild and Free.

So, tonight around 9:30ish a friend of mine and my roommate and I went "adventuring."

I felt like a little kid again.
We just walked around campus climbing, jumping, and dancing around. It was so much fun. I forgot how much fun it is when the weather is nice and you're in the best mood.
I've always been one to love playing outside, and climbing trees, running through the grass: the whole nine yards.

There's nothing like just being outside and appreciating everything that God made. The air was the perfect temperature, the stars were beautiful and the night was fantastic.

We just talked, laughed, walked around. It was fun. We laughed. We laughed so much, so hard, so loud. We didn't even care what people thought or if they stared. Granted, it was almost 10pm and almost no one was out, but the people who were? Oh, they stared like there was no tomorrow.

I love my friends. Seriously.
This summer will be fantastic, besides the fact that they won't be in Ohio with me.
Nevermind.
This summer will suck.
Haha.

Tonight, We Are Young (and we DON'T have it all figured out)

My mom had a stress test done on her heart recently, and I realized: I won't have my parents forever. My dad is 51-- already through a little over half his life. My mom is going to be 45 this year. This will sound dumb, but every year...they get older too. Soon they'll be approaching the stage of life with health issues and decline in well-being (though I pray they continue to be healthy)...that breaks my heart more than anything.
So yes, I can get angry over stupid things we have said and done to each other, but in the end, who will that help? In the end, when my Mom is on her death bed, I won't be thinking about how angry I was when she made a catty remark regarding my Stepmom.
My mom and dad have raised me to be better than that, and they deserve better from me. The best, really. Someday, I hope to be half the Mom my mother is and has been. I want the kind, but firm and strong spirit my mother has combined with my dad's self assuredness and his ability to help/push/drive his kids to success through love and encouragement.

My parents have made and will continue to make mistakes because they are human. And for me to think I could judge them as more than that, or judge them at all is completely ridiculous, uncalled for, selfish, and very much "holier-than-thou" of me. I am acting exactly the way I hate other people acting. I am no better than anyone else. My pride needs knocked down quite a few notches.

Mom, Dad: if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being such a hypocrite. I promise that from now on I'll appreciate every moment and conversation and learn from it. I will appreciate the time I have with you, and be content with my life.

We need to love our parents. We are so busy trying to grow up and trying to be grown ups that we forget that they are also growing old.

You Have Friends for A Reason

So, today me and a bunch of my friends went to brunch in our dining hall at noon. We came in different groups so we got there a few minutes apart and I was talking with my friend Austin when I saw my roommate and another friend walk in.  I started quickly walking towards them to tell them where we were sitting and I hear Austin behind me yelling, "Sadie! SADie! SADIE! WATCH OU--" and then I realized why he was yelling just about the same time my right foot slid and flew in the air and all my weight landed on my left hip.
I immediately started laughing so they would know that a.) I was okay and b.) it was okay to laugh too. I'll admit though, I was totally embarassed. My boyfriend, roommate and a few other friends rushed over to help me up and make sure I was okay. Honestly though, I was laughing so I wouldn't cry. It hurt so badly, and I was completely embarassed. My friends were laughing, and my pride, and hip were in pain.
Once I got up, I grabbed onto and hugged my roommate for probably a good, full minute and she kept reassuring me that everything was fine and it didn't matter that everyone saw it or if they were laughing or not; all that mattered was that I was okay. Well, I thought I was okay. I tried to walk a few steps to my boyfriend and it brought tears to my eyes because it hurt so much. I hugged him then decided I needed to go sit down, that was a bad idea. Sitting in a chair hurt worse than walking. He told me to stay put and he'd bring me my food. (He's an incredibly sweet guy!) He got me all of my favorite things and we sat and ate for about a half hour while some of my not-so-close friends told me how graceful of a faller I was, and how they'd never seen someone fall so neatly and ladylike. That made me feel a little bit better.
I told my boyfriend I needed to go back to the dorms because I needed to lie down and take some medicine and he offered to walk back with me before his fraternity's kick ball game. I got up to leave and the pain was only getting worse. All the way back to the dorms he offered to carry me but I kept refusing (I'm just a little bit stubborn), but deep inside I wanted to say yes.
All afternoon my hip has just gotten stiffer and more painful and people kept offering to do things for me or go get me whatever I needed, but I politely declined.

People. We have friends for a reason: to be there for us and help us when we're down. I need to get over my pride and stop being stubborn. I really need help right now; I can't walk hardly at all. People, my friends, have been trying to do their job all day, and I haven't been letting them because I am stubborn and prideful. So, I think tomorrow (which I predict will be much more painful than today...) I will let them help me.

Sunny Skies

I am itching to get outside right now, but I want to get this writing done first! I thought about taking my laptop outside, but the sun would reflect off the screen and I'd probably get frustrated.

It is sunny and 80 degrees here in Louisville today! The sun is out, the sky is blue, the trees are blossoming and the grass is finally turning green again. I have always viewed spring as the refreshing, new start. I don't care if that is cliche or trite. It's just how it is. Our campus here is beautiful and I just want to go lay under a tree and read a book, which I will most likely do here soon. Just the smell in the air overwhelms me; the feel of the breeze is wonderful; the sunshine on my skin is a feeling I will never get tired of...until summer when I get burnt like a lobster. But for now I am in love with it.

Warning: I am about to get all deep and ridiculous on you.

I'm just starting my life. Me and all my friends here, my friends from back home who have gone to college, we're all just starting. Our lives are taking off, and now that it's spring time I can feel it. I mean, a year ago we were itching to graduate from high school. Now look where we are! We're becoming adults, making our own decisions, living "on our own" and away from home. I never thought I'd be capable of any of those things, if I'm being honest. But look at us. We're becoming the people we're supposed to be, and it's all happening so fast! Spring is symbolic for us. It really is. I'm excited for what is going to happen in the futures. Althought I can say I'm glad I have a while before the whole get married, have kids thing happens...somewhere deep in my heart I'm still afraid of marriage. But that, kids, is a story for another day.

I'M GOING TO GO PLAY OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!

I am no writer.

I am not a writer, but I have a lot to say. This won't be anything fancy, I don't know a lot of words you'll have to look up in the dictionary, and sometimes it will be scatter-brained and disorganized.  Regardless, I wanted to give this a shot. So this will be counted as my first post, and it's the shortest thing ever written, and if anything it is more of an apology of what is to follow.