Anxiety

About two to two and a half years ago I developed an anxiety problem.
I think it started about the time we moved into a house in town with my mom when my parents got separated. I was in charge of the house, for the most part, while mom was at work. I cleaned, did laundry, did the dishes and all the house stuff which included running my younger brother wherever he needed to go. So, I'm not sure if I just had abandonment issues, or what it was but I started freaking out (hyperventilating, skyrocketed heartbeat, etc.) whenever I couldn't get ahold of the people who meant the most to me: my mom, brother, twin sister and my boyfriend at the time.

Unfortunately, I didn't deal with it when it started and so it's just gotten worse over time. There are a lot of triggers to my anxiety attacks, and now it's starting to really affect my life. I can freak out for any of the following reasons: my mom, brother, dad or good friend/boyfriend doesn't answer their phone, I eat something that is a common allergen, a person I know dies, I walk by myself (day or night), I have to perform for people (the larger the number, the worse it is), and talking in front of people I don't know or are intimidated by. At least, those are the ones I can think of at the moment.

So, as a music major I have to perform in front of my fellow music majors at an event we call "Convocation" which happens every Tuesday. I haven't had to play at convocation yet, but on April 17th I have to. I'm going to play a Chopin piece from memory, which, if you're a piano person you know that's not easy. At all.

Whenever I sit down to practice and memorize the piece I freak out. I start thinking about having to play from memory and the fact that there will be 80 people. All watching me. My eyes tear up and my breathing gets shallow, my heart rate rises rapidly. I've learned a few tricks here and there to calm myself down, but as Convocation gets closer my anxiety gets worse.

I need to get over this. I want to, I really do. People (some of my family even) say I'm just being dramatic, that I'm overreacting...but no one in their right mind chooses to be this way. This is not fun, it's not something I like to do. I hate this, I hate being this way.

I will overcome this. I don't have a choice.