Sojo

So, I consciously made the decision to move 200 miles away from home. I knew it was the right thing for me to do. Mostly because I was so attached to home that I knew at some point I needed to grow up and move on. Everyone does it, and fall of 2011 was my time.

I left my mom, dad, younger brother and twin sister back at home and the first two weeks of college were hell for me. I'm not even exaggerating. I walked around campus with a heavy weight on my heart and almost constant tears brimming in my eyes. I had yet to mature enough to understand that I was not dying...I was just growing up. Growing up hurts. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

So, since my parents got divorced, or really were separated, in 2009 I've felt extremely responsible for my siblings well-being; especially for my younger brother, whom we call "Sojo."
(Explanation: when he was very young he couldn't say his name and called himself Sojo. Cute, right?? Well, it stuck.)
I've just kind of taken care of him since mom and dad decided to split. When we moved into our new house with Mom during the summer of '09 I took on the responsibilites of a stay-at-home mom. I was responsible for getting Sojo to all of his practices, rehearsals, wherever he needed to be, I had to get him there. I was fine with that, it really didn't bother me. I've always had motherly tendencies; I like to take care of people. During those two and a half years, Sojo and I became best friends. We rarely fought or even disagreed to the point of argument. So, the fact that all the sudden I was 200 miles away from my best friend was an emotional shock I wasn't ready for.

The reason I tell you all this is because today this has been a heavy burden on my heart. I've gotten so much better at handling my homesickness and missing Sojo, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Again.

Whenver Sojo does something awesome like getting his liscence or experiences a hardship like a nasty, horrible ex-girlfriend trying to ruin his life, I feel so guilty for leaving him to fend for himself. Leaving him to brave the hard things in life and fight his way through this cruel world.
Yes, I do realize that eventually, whether I stayed in Ohio or not, he would have had to do things for himself and learn the hard way. So, that's probably another reason God put me here. 200 miles away: so I wouldn't interfere with him growing up and moving on.

Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand. I mean, if you got a call from your brother late at night because he wanted to ask you if he's a completely horrible person, you'd wish you hadn't left too. Sometimes this is the hardest part of life for me. It's been such a learning experience but a huge burden and hardship at the same time.

So, to the point. Tonight was Sojo's opening night as a lead in our high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof. I wasn't there. I was here in Kentucky. 200 miles away. This is such a big event in his life, and I'm not there. It hit me about the time the curtain would be opening. I realized I wasn't there, anticipating his entrance in the musical. I wasn't there with his favorite candy (since flowers are girly...) and a nice card which contains a handwritten note about how proud I am. Yes, I will be there for the other 3 shows this weekend, but still. He was always there for me on opening night. Every show. He was there. I always got the biggest hugs when he came through the cast line.

Sojo, I'm sorry that I've failed you as a big sister. Again.

I know I say this a lot... but you know I would be there if I could.

Love you, bruh.

Always.