Dear "little" brother,
I want you to know that the world will never be good enough for you. This world we live in doesn't deserve a genuine human being like you. That being said, I know you will change the lives of the people you meet, and I know you will do things in life to better this place.
You're one of those people who blesses others just by interacting with them. Your genuine honesty is something that people love about you, but remember to be careful who you are completely honest with. Some of them will trick you, play you, use you. You can't let everyone take, take, and take without them giving. With a kind soul like yours, you will struggle to tell the difference, and that skill will come with time, and unfortunately many heartbreaking situations.
Have I ever told you how smart you are? I mean, who cracks the answers code on the OGT test? Who does that?! You have a genius brain, but don't forget to work hard in class. I know you know how to do the assignments, and that you don't see the point in practicing what you already know you can do. That is quite a problem to have, I'd say. Just push yourself to your limits, and you'll find that your limits don't exist. You can do anything if you set your mind to it. As cliche as that is, it's true. That statement isn't true for most people, but you could honestly be anything you want to be, and you would succeed.
Remember when you used to not smile...ever? Well, let's just say you need to make up for those times by smiling as much as you can. I always am so encouraged when you smile. It lets me know that you are happy, and that I don't need to worry so much about how you're handling things.
Speaking of handling things... I am so sorry you have to go through all of these hardships. Life right now is getting really tough for you, and as much as it hurts me to see you going through all of this, I know you'll learn so much from it! It's so hard to see it that way now, but I promise that later in life you will look back and know why you went through all of this. Not only has your family been torn apart, you have to figure out what you want to do with your life, where you're going to college, what your major will be, how to survive the rest of high school. You don't need this extra stress. But I know you'll pull through. You've always been a tough one, a survivor. I know you can do this.
I need you to know that I am always a text, e-mail, facebook chat, or call away. Please don't ever feel alone, because I will always be available. To be honest, at night I leave my phone on with the ringer turned up in case you ever need me. I've done that every night since I left for college my freshman year. I know you understand that I had to leave, especially since now you're deciding where to go. I've never been so thankful for anything like I have been for your understanding. I'm so relieved you didn't think I was abandoning you, because I would never do that.
"Little" brother, I love you a lot. I wish I could protect you from all of the bad things this world will throw at you, all the people who will hurt you, the trials you will suffer. But that would only hurt you. You have to grow up, just like I had to, and part of growing up is learning from the hard times, from the tough stuff. Life has it's good times too, don't get me wrong. But it's much easier to enjoy those times than the bad times. You are so loved and supported, I wish I could put it all into words. You're such a great person, and I just hope you don't become a part of this world, because it will never deserve you.
I have been so blessed (and will continue to be) to have you as a brother. You have my 100% love and support, you always will. I'll always be your #1 fan, head of your cheering section, and fan club! I wish you could see how great you are, and the difference you've made in peoples' lives already, especially mine. I wish you knew just how amazing you are.
Your unbelievably proud sister.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
AnnerNanner
I remember when I met Anna at our Early Registration day; we just happened to be in the same group! She and I instantly clicked and started talking, and basically spent all day getting to know each other. It was all a God thing that we met and started talking that day. I was so shy, so talking to a stranger wasn't something I typically did. If it did happen I kept the conversation as short as possible.
By the end of the day she and I had swapped numbers and I couldn't shake the thought of asking her if she wanted to be my roommate. I was so shy and I was terrified at the thought of having a roommate, especially the chances that I could have one that was bad. So, we were texting after we left and were headed home and I asked her if she'd be interested in being roommates, and she was ecstatic! She said she'd been thinking the same thing and was glad I asked.
I was so relieved! We spent a lot of time the summer before school planning out our room (the color scheme, decorations, etc.) and then right before school we went shopping together to buy everything that we had planned out. (We live like 45 minutes from one another back home.)
I remember everyone telling me not to expect Anna to be my best friend, so I didn't. For the first few weeks we did our own things, but always let the other one know what our plans were so they would know when to expect us back. But honestly, little by little we became great friends. We'd have these long conversations about anything, really. We talked a lot and we never fought, had disagreements or typical roommate problems. I can honestly say I've never been upset or frustrated with Anna. Not once.
Anna is one of those rare, pure souls. She's golden and I am so thankful that I met her that day. She means the world to me and I am so excited to room with her again next year.
So Anna, this is for you. I love you, girl. You helped me through so much this year and you didn't even know it! You are so amazing, and I don't think you hear it enough. I'm so excited to see what the future holds.
Here is to the world's greatest roommate, AnnerNanner. :)
By the end of the day she and I had swapped numbers and I couldn't shake the thought of asking her if she wanted to be my roommate. I was so shy and I was terrified at the thought of having a roommate, especially the chances that I could have one that was bad. So, we were texting after we left and were headed home and I asked her if she'd be interested in being roommates, and she was ecstatic! She said she'd been thinking the same thing and was glad I asked.
I was so relieved! We spent a lot of time the summer before school planning out our room (the color scheme, decorations, etc.) and then right before school we went shopping together to buy everything that we had planned out. (We live like 45 minutes from one another back home.)
I remember everyone telling me not to expect Anna to be my best friend, so I didn't. For the first few weeks we did our own things, but always let the other one know what our plans were so they would know when to expect us back. But honestly, little by little we became great friends. We'd have these long conversations about anything, really. We talked a lot and we never fought, had disagreements or typical roommate problems. I can honestly say I've never been upset or frustrated with Anna. Not once.
Anna is one of those rare, pure souls. She's golden and I am so thankful that I met her that day. She means the world to me and I am so excited to room with her again next year.
So Anna, this is for you. I love you, girl. You helped me through so much this year and you didn't even know it! You are so amazing, and I don't think you hear it enough. I'm so excited to see what the future holds.
Here is to the world's greatest roommate, AnnerNanner. :)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
My Last Night
This is my last night at BU as a freshman.
This room has witnessed a lot. I've changed so much, and this room has witnessed that.
At the beginning of the year, I was in this room all day, every day unless I was practicing piano and sometimes eating. I was always in my room minding my own business. Then, as first semester went on, it saw me slowly being more social as I had friends over occassionally to watch a movie or work on homework/study for classes. I started putting more things on my walls as time went on, and our room got more colorful, more welcoming. I was meeting more people, becoming more social and growing as a person.
This room has watched me go from a shy, recluse of a girl to a social, happy young lady. I've grown so much as a person and I can't even imagine how crazy it is seeing it from the outside.
I'm so thankful for everything that happened during my freshman year here; everyone I met, everything I did, the decisions I made. Being at BU has helped me start discovering little by little who I am and what I am going to do with my life. There's so much left that I have to discover, I know that, but I am completely excited for what has happened already.
Coming to BU was probably the best decision I've made so far! I can't wait to come back in the fall; it is going to be a blast!
This room has witnessed a lot. I've changed so much, and this room has witnessed that.
At the beginning of the year, I was in this room all day, every day unless I was practicing piano and sometimes eating. I was always in my room minding my own business. Then, as first semester went on, it saw me slowly being more social as I had friends over occassionally to watch a movie or work on homework/study for classes. I started putting more things on my walls as time went on, and our room got more colorful, more welcoming. I was meeting more people, becoming more social and growing as a person.
This room has watched me go from a shy, recluse of a girl to a social, happy young lady. I've grown so much as a person and I can't even imagine how crazy it is seeing it from the outside.
I'm so thankful for everything that happened during my freshman year here; everyone I met, everything I did, the decisions I made. Being at BU has helped me start discovering little by little who I am and what I am going to do with my life. There's so much left that I have to discover, I know that, but I am completely excited for what has happened already.
Coming to BU was probably the best decision I've made so far! I can't wait to come back in the fall; it is going to be a blast!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Realness
I've found people I trust here at BU. I've found people who I can be myself around and they love and accept me for who I am. How rare is that? People are always so busy judging one another where I'm from, you can hardly hold a real conversation with anyone, talk about things beneath the surface, everything is at face value.
The people here are real, so I'm sure you can understand why it would be so hard for me to go back to my hometown. I miss a some people, and they are definitely worth going back for. I know I've been whining about going home, but I really am blessed to have a family that loves me and cares about me; blessed to have such good friends who I still keep in contact with, who I can call at any time during the day or night.
But I've gotten so used to people being transparent here, it'll be tricky to have to go back to a place that pretends so much and so often.
I've been exposed to the world outside of my town's limits, and I'm sure that I'll never live there again.
The people here are real, so I'm sure you can understand why it would be so hard for me to go back to my hometown. I miss a some people, and they are definitely worth going back for. I know I've been whining about going home, but I really am blessed to have a family that loves me and cares about me; blessed to have such good friends who I still keep in contact with, who I can call at any time during the day or night.
But I've gotten so used to people being transparent here, it'll be tricky to have to go back to a place that pretends so much and so often.
I've been exposed to the world outside of my town's limits, and I'm sure that I'll never live there again.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Moment of Terror.
So, my mom called me tonight around 12:30am, IN THE MORNING.
You must understand, my mom goes to bed usually by 9:30pm, at the latest. So, I see on my that I'm recieving a call from "Home" and my heart starts racing.
I hit "answer" and say, "Hello??" All I heard on the other end was: *pause* Sade?
That made my heart stop. My stomach hit the floor and all I could think of was if something happened to my great granda, grandparents, sister or brother. There were already tears brimming in my eyes.
Then she asked, "Are you okay?" I was caught off guard by that question, honestly. I didn't think she was calling me to find out if I was okay. I answered, "Yes? Why?" And she preceeded to tell me that she had recieved a call from "restricted" and there was a girl on the other end who was sobbing and trying to talk and Mom said it sounded just like me when I'm upset, so she hung up and called me. Obviously it wasn't me, but I'm glad mom called. It was nice to hear her voice and I'm glad she was so concerned about me!
Before we hung up she asked me to call my twin sister and my best friend from back home to make sure that it wasn't them either.
I called them both and they're fine.
But I miss a lot while I'm here. What if something had happened to one of my family members or good friends?
Well, let's not get caught up in "What if..."
You must understand, my mom goes to bed usually by 9:30pm, at the latest. So, I see on my that I'm recieving a call from "Home" and my heart starts racing.
I hit "answer" and say, "Hello??" All I heard on the other end was: *pause* Sade?
That made my heart stop. My stomach hit the floor and all I could think of was if something happened to my great granda, grandparents, sister or brother. There were already tears brimming in my eyes.
Then she asked, "Are you okay?" I was caught off guard by that question, honestly. I didn't think she was calling me to find out if I was okay. I answered, "Yes? Why?" And she preceeded to tell me that she had recieved a call from "restricted" and there was a girl on the other end who was sobbing and trying to talk and Mom said it sounded just like me when I'm upset, so she hung up and called me. Obviously it wasn't me, but I'm glad mom called. It was nice to hear her voice and I'm glad she was so concerned about me!
Before we hung up she asked me to call my twin sister and my best friend from back home to make sure that it wasn't them either.
I called them both and they're fine.
But I miss a lot while I'm here. What if something had happened to one of my family members or good friends?
Well, let's not get caught up in "What if..."
Thursday, April 19, 2012
27 Dresses
Instead of finishing my paper, I've decided to blog something real quick!
So, while working on school work my roommate and I have become accustom to having background noise which is usually a movie. Tonight I picked 27 Dresses as my background noise while finishing my final paper for my IDC course I'm taking.
The thing is that it became more than just background noise, which is totally fine! I love the story in this movie and it's always been easy to identify with and I never understood why until now.
Jane, the main character is the oldest of two girls who had to be the woman in the house after her mom died when she was very young. Their whole lives, Jane has taken care of and done for her sister, Tess. She's made Tess's life as easy as she possibly could and because of that Tess became an irresponsible, selfish person.
It surfaces later in the movie that Jane is somewhat bitter about having had to always look after Tess, and Tess confesses that she just wants to be like Jane.
Jane and Tess are a lot like my twin sister and I. I've always covered for my sister, in almost every situation. I did some of her chores when she didn't so she wouldn't get in trouble. I reminded her of (and sometimes let her copy) homework that we had, did her laundry, cleaned the bathroom we shared, woke her up for school so she wouldn't be late even though she was completely mean to me when I did. We haven't always gotten along so well, and it's definitely better than what it was! But, maybe I was resentful towards her because of what I chose to do. I chose to do those things, she didn't make me. I made my sister's life easy. Honestly, I did worry that she wouldn't succeed in college because she wouldn't hear her alarm to wake up for class, would forget about homework, not do her laundry (and she wears so many different articles of clothing in ONE DAY that it would blow your mind...), and not keep her areas of her dorm room clean.
The truth is: she's doing just fine without me. It was so selfish of me to think that I played such a big role in her life, in raising her. I did do a lot for her, and maybe I did have an impact, but maybe I didn't. What does it matter? What matters is that I love her, and she will always be my sister. No matter how crazy she makes me. No matter how many arguments we get in. No matter how different we are, I will always love her. I miss her, but she's doing just fine on her own. I never should have doubted her!
So, while working on school work my roommate and I have become accustom to having background noise which is usually a movie. Tonight I picked 27 Dresses as my background noise while finishing my final paper for my IDC course I'm taking.
The thing is that it became more than just background noise, which is totally fine! I love the story in this movie and it's always been easy to identify with and I never understood why until now.
Jane, the main character is the oldest of two girls who had to be the woman in the house after her mom died when she was very young. Their whole lives, Jane has taken care of and done for her sister, Tess. She's made Tess's life as easy as she possibly could and because of that Tess became an irresponsible, selfish person.
It surfaces later in the movie that Jane is somewhat bitter about having had to always look after Tess, and Tess confesses that she just wants to be like Jane.
Jane and Tess are a lot like my twin sister and I. I've always covered for my sister, in almost every situation. I did some of her chores when she didn't so she wouldn't get in trouble. I reminded her of (and sometimes let her copy) homework that we had, did her laundry, cleaned the bathroom we shared, woke her up for school so she wouldn't be late even though she was completely mean to me when I did. We haven't always gotten along so well, and it's definitely better than what it was! But, maybe I was resentful towards her because of what I chose to do. I chose to do those things, she didn't make me. I made my sister's life easy. Honestly, I did worry that she wouldn't succeed in college because she wouldn't hear her alarm to wake up for class, would forget about homework, not do her laundry (and she wears so many different articles of clothing in ONE DAY that it would blow your mind...), and not keep her areas of her dorm room clean.
The truth is: she's doing just fine without me. It was so selfish of me to think that I played such a big role in her life, in raising her. I did do a lot for her, and maybe I did have an impact, but maybe I didn't. What does it matter? What matters is that I love her, and she will always be my sister. No matter how crazy she makes me. No matter how many arguments we get in. No matter how different we are, I will always love her. I miss her, but she's doing just fine on her own. I never should have doubted her!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Could You Remember that for Me?
I know I write about my brother a lot, but there's a reason I do! I really love him and care about him. I worry about him a lot; especially in today's world.
He's such a good guy; one of thee best, if not THEE best. His kind heart, friendly smile, charming ways, and sense of humor often lure in girls...but not always the best girls. That is not his fault whatsoever! He has the biggest heart and he's always trying to help people out. He goes on rescue missions when it comes to girls...a lot. He gets his heart broken trying to help people. But I'm so thankful that he's so real. I just hope he learns soon, because it's hard on all of us!
I'm really protective of him, if you haven't caught on to that yet. So, whenever he brings a girl home to meet us, I am overly critical of them. I've gotten better about it, or I've tried, but it's not easy whatsoever. He deserves the best girl out there, and I know he will find her eventually, which I'm definitely okay with waiting for. I don't really think he needs to be serious anytime soon. (But what do I know?)
There's some pieces of advice I've wanted to share with him for a while but I didn't really know how to until recently. Kabelo and I went to see Ben Rector and afterwards I looked up some of his music I hadn't heard, and I found a song called "Hank." This song was inspired by his nephew, but in this song I heard exactly what I need Sojo to hear from me:
He's such a good guy; one of thee best, if not THEE best. His kind heart, friendly smile, charming ways, and sense of humor often lure in girls...but not always the best girls. That is not his fault whatsoever! He has the biggest heart and he's always trying to help people out. He goes on rescue missions when it comes to girls...a lot. He gets his heart broken trying to help people. But I'm so thankful that he's so real. I just hope he learns soon, because it's hard on all of us!
I'm really protective of him, if you haven't caught on to that yet. So, whenever he brings a girl home to meet us, I am overly critical of them. I've gotten better about it, or I've tried, but it's not easy whatsoever. He deserves the best girl out there, and I know he will find her eventually, which I'm definitely okay with waiting for. I don't really think he needs to be serious anytime soon. (But what do I know?)
There's some pieces of advice I've wanted to share with him for a while but I didn't really know how to until recently. Kabelo and I went to see Ben Rector and afterwards I looked up some of his music I hadn't heard, and I found a song called "Hank." This song was inspired by his nephew, but in this song I heard exactly what I need Sojo to hear from me:
"Go find a girl for whom your love is selfless; someone who makes you helpless to change the way you feel. Stay away from girls who always look so pretty; whose hearts just aren't fitting for the man in you I see. Could you remember that for me?"
So, that's what I want to tell you, Sojo.
Could you remember that for me?
Sunday, April 15, 2012
17 Days
I'm slacking...again. My most sincere apologies (*cough*Manda*cough*)
So, I think that maybe I've been avoiding what I want to write about. Actually, I'm pretty certain that is the reason.
I have 17 days left at BU until we're done for the summer. That is depressing. And yes, I'm honestly trying not to think about it and just enjoy what time I have left, but unfortunately I'm not someone who can do that.
I've never been as happy as I am here at BU, and I really don't want to leave. Yes, I miss my family (not nearly as bad as I did before) and I have a few friends that I miss a lot, but other than that I just don't want to go home. My mom and stepdad drive me crazy, and I'll spend most of my summer moving back and forth between my mom's and dad's houses. I just know that when I'm living with my dad I'll miss mom and have to go back to her house every few days.
A few good things about going home?
- Seeing my brother and getting to hang out with him more!
- My best friend from back home is having a baby!!!! I'm excited for her!
- Hopefully hanging out with my grandparents more...I miss them a lot. They're such sweet people and who knows how much longer I have with them
A lot of bad things about going home?
- Not seeing all my friends, my fantastic roommate and my boyfriend everyday.
- No more brunch at noon on Saturdays and Sundays
- No more piano lessons
- No more laying around watching movies all night while we're working on stuff
- No more quote book moments
- No more watching Mean Girls up to 3 times in a 24 hour period
- No more being indecisive about which movies to watch and taking almost an hour to decide what we're watching.
- No more hearing Louie play piano... *heart currently breaking*
- No more being obsessed with one song for weeks on end and jamming to it 24/7
- No more going to the 24 hour Steak N' Shake whenever we want and seeing Gerard
- No more visiting Oliver the Barista at Starbucks
- No more putting off laundry til the last second (always makes me feel dangerous....bahahaha)
- No more adventuring late at night and walking around campus just messing around and having people think we are drunk, when we're just having a great, sober time.
...I could go on, but I'm already depressed enough!
So, I really don't want to leave this place. I love it here and it's where I belong. Ya, I'll be back mid August, but still. That's a long time! That's 3, 3 1/2 months! That's way too long.
Next year is going to be a blast though! Most of my friends are on the same floor as my roommate and I! It's really going to be a lot of fun, and I'm very excited!
I'm really thankful for how this year turned out, I am. I am sad to see it go, but next year will be even better... I just have to survive the summer! Here's to sticking it out alone and hoping I survive.
So, I think that maybe I've been avoiding what I want to write about. Actually, I'm pretty certain that is the reason.
I have 17 days left at BU until we're done for the summer. That is depressing. And yes, I'm honestly trying not to think about it and just enjoy what time I have left, but unfortunately I'm not someone who can do that.
I've never been as happy as I am here at BU, and I really don't want to leave. Yes, I miss my family (not nearly as bad as I did before) and I have a few friends that I miss a lot, but other than that I just don't want to go home. My mom and stepdad drive me crazy, and I'll spend most of my summer moving back and forth between my mom's and dad's houses. I just know that when I'm living with my dad I'll miss mom and have to go back to her house every few days.
A few good things about going home?
- Seeing my brother and getting to hang out with him more!
- My best friend from back home is having a baby!!!! I'm excited for her!
- Hopefully hanging out with my grandparents more...I miss them a lot. They're such sweet people and who knows how much longer I have with them
A lot of bad things about going home?
- Not seeing all my friends, my fantastic roommate and my boyfriend everyday.
- No more brunch at noon on Saturdays and Sundays
- No more piano lessons
- No more laying around watching movies all night while we're working on stuff
- No more quote book moments
- No more watching Mean Girls up to 3 times in a 24 hour period
- No more being indecisive about which movies to watch and taking almost an hour to decide what we're watching.
- No more hearing Louie play piano... *heart currently breaking*
- No more being obsessed with one song for weeks on end and jamming to it 24/7
- No more going to the 24 hour Steak N' Shake whenever we want and seeing Gerard
- No more visiting Oliver the Barista at Starbucks
- No more putting off laundry til the last second (always makes me feel dangerous....bahahaha)
- No more adventuring late at night and walking around campus just messing around and having people think we are drunk, when we're just having a great, sober time.
...I could go on, but I'm already depressed enough!
So, I really don't want to leave this place. I love it here and it's where I belong. Ya, I'll be back mid August, but still. That's a long time! That's 3, 3 1/2 months! That's way too long.
Next year is going to be a blast though! Most of my friends are on the same floor as my roommate and I! It's really going to be a lot of fun, and I'm very excited!
I'm really thankful for how this year turned out, I am. I am sad to see it go, but next year will be even better... I just have to survive the summer! Here's to sticking it out alone and hoping I survive.
Monday, April 2, 2012
This Past Weekend
So, this past weekend I went home with my boyfriend to see my brother in his musical.
Not only was I proud of my brother but I was also proud of all of the cast of Fiddler on the Roof.
This year was the first year I didn't participate in the high school's musical obviously because I'm in college now. I was a little worried because I had seen Fiddler on the Roof once before a few years ago and while it was enjoyable, I remember it being very long and dry in some parts. Thankfully, they did the "Jr." version of the musical which means that it was strictly plot material with no subplot and it was only an hour and a half long. I understand that may sound boring or whatever, but it definitely wasn't.
My brother had a lead role, as well as several of my other friends! One of my very best friends from back home had the lead role as Tevye and he blew me away! I was so proud and it was a great show to be his finisher seeing as he's a senior this year.
There were several times while I was sitting in the audience (all three times I got to see the show) that I teared up, for many reasons. One of the big reasons was that I was just so proud of my brother! He's definitely a fantastic actor and I can't wait to see what next year brings! He's growing up so fast, and I realize that makes me sound like a mother. I know. But, for two and a half years, I was. I was his friend and caretaker. Something that my mother will probably never acknowledge. But I did it for her. I did it for Sojo and for my sister. So, yes. I am proud. Extremely.
Everyone kept asking me how I felt about being on the other side. They all expected me to be sad and long to be back on the stage again. I won't lie, there was part of me that was sad knowing I didn't get to be a part of the cast or the camaraderie that comes with it. But then, I realized that I had my time. I had my four years to be a part of it, and this is their time.
I really did very much enjoy being on the other side of the stage. I was so proud and I enjoyed the musical so much! I love seeing how much my friends have grown as people and as actors/actresses/singers/performers. It was absolutely fantastic!
Not only was I proud of my brother but I was also proud of all of the cast of Fiddler on the Roof.
This year was the first year I didn't participate in the high school's musical obviously because I'm in college now. I was a little worried because I had seen Fiddler on the Roof once before a few years ago and while it was enjoyable, I remember it being very long and dry in some parts. Thankfully, they did the "Jr." version of the musical which means that it was strictly plot material with no subplot and it was only an hour and a half long. I understand that may sound boring or whatever, but it definitely wasn't.
My brother had a lead role, as well as several of my other friends! One of my very best friends from back home had the lead role as Tevye and he blew me away! I was so proud and it was a great show to be his finisher seeing as he's a senior this year.
There were several times while I was sitting in the audience (all three times I got to see the show) that I teared up, for many reasons. One of the big reasons was that I was just so proud of my brother! He's definitely a fantastic actor and I can't wait to see what next year brings! He's growing up so fast, and I realize that makes me sound like a mother. I know. But, for two and a half years, I was. I was his friend and caretaker. Something that my mother will probably never acknowledge. But I did it for her. I did it for Sojo and for my sister. So, yes. I am proud. Extremely.
Everyone kept asking me how I felt about being on the other side. They all expected me to be sad and long to be back on the stage again. I won't lie, there was part of me that was sad knowing I didn't get to be a part of the cast or the camaraderie that comes with it. But then, I realized that I had my time. I had my four years to be a part of it, and this is their time.
I really did very much enjoy being on the other side of the stage. I was so proud and I enjoyed the musical so much! I love seeing how much my friends have grown as people and as actors/actresses/singers/performers. It was absolutely fantastic!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sojo
So, I consciously made the decision to move 200 miles away from home. I knew it was the right thing for me to do. Mostly because I was so attached to home that I knew at some point I needed to grow up and move on. Everyone does it, and fall of 2011 was my time.
I left my mom, dad, younger brother and twin sister back at home and the first two weeks of college were hell for me. I'm not even exaggerating. I walked around campus with a heavy weight on my heart and almost constant tears brimming in my eyes. I had yet to mature enough to understand that I was not dying...I was just growing up. Growing up hurts. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
So, since my parents got divorced, or really were separated, in 2009 I've felt extremely responsible for my siblings well-being; especially for my younger brother, whom we call "Sojo."
(Explanation: when he was very young he couldn't say his name and called himself Sojo. Cute, right?? Well, it stuck.)
I've just kind of taken care of him since mom and dad decided to split. When we moved into our new house with Mom during the summer of '09 I took on the responsibilites of a stay-at-home mom. I was responsible for getting Sojo to all of his practices, rehearsals, wherever he needed to be, I had to get him there. I was fine with that, it really didn't bother me. I've always had motherly tendencies; I like to take care of people. During those two and a half years, Sojo and I became best friends. We rarely fought or even disagreed to the point of argument. So, the fact that all the sudden I was 200 miles away from my best friend was an emotional shock I wasn't ready for.
The reason I tell you all this is because today this has been a heavy burden on my heart. I've gotten so much better at handling my homesickness and missing Sojo, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Again.
Whenver Sojo does something awesome like getting his liscence or experiences a hardship like a nasty, horrible ex-girlfriend trying to ruin his life, I feel so guilty for leaving him to fend for himself. Leaving him to brave the hard things in life and fight his way through this cruel world.
Yes, I do realize that eventually, whether I stayed in Ohio or not, he would have had to do things for himself and learn the hard way. So, that's probably another reason God put me here. 200 miles away: so I wouldn't interfere with him growing up and moving on.
Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand. I mean, if you got a call from your brother late at night because he wanted to ask you if he's a completely horrible person, you'd wish you hadn't left too. Sometimes this is the hardest part of life for me. It's been such a learning experience but a huge burden and hardship at the same time.
So, to the point. Tonight was Sojo's opening night as a lead in our high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof. I wasn't there. I was here in Kentucky. 200 miles away. This is such a big event in his life, and I'm not there. It hit me about the time the curtain would be opening. I realized I wasn't there, anticipating his entrance in the musical. I wasn't there with his favorite candy (since flowers are girly...) and a nice card which contains a handwritten note about how proud I am. Yes, I will be there for the other 3 shows this weekend, but still. He was always there for me on opening night. Every show. He was there. I always got the biggest hugs when he came through the cast line.
I left my mom, dad, younger brother and twin sister back at home and the first two weeks of college were hell for me. I'm not even exaggerating. I walked around campus with a heavy weight on my heart and almost constant tears brimming in my eyes. I had yet to mature enough to understand that I was not dying...I was just growing up. Growing up hurts. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
So, since my parents got divorced, or really were separated, in 2009 I've felt extremely responsible for my siblings well-being; especially for my younger brother, whom we call "Sojo."
(Explanation: when he was very young he couldn't say his name and called himself Sojo. Cute, right?? Well, it stuck.)
I've just kind of taken care of him since mom and dad decided to split. When we moved into our new house with Mom during the summer of '09 I took on the responsibilites of a stay-at-home mom. I was responsible for getting Sojo to all of his practices, rehearsals, wherever he needed to be, I had to get him there. I was fine with that, it really didn't bother me. I've always had motherly tendencies; I like to take care of people. During those two and a half years, Sojo and I became best friends. We rarely fought or even disagreed to the point of argument. So, the fact that all the sudden I was 200 miles away from my best friend was an emotional shock I wasn't ready for.
The reason I tell you all this is because today this has been a heavy burden on my heart. I've gotten so much better at handling my homesickness and missing Sojo, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Again.
Whenver Sojo does something awesome like getting his liscence or experiences a hardship like a nasty, horrible ex-girlfriend trying to ruin his life, I feel so guilty for leaving him to fend for himself. Leaving him to brave the hard things in life and fight his way through this cruel world.
Yes, I do realize that eventually, whether I stayed in Ohio or not, he would have had to do things for himself and learn the hard way. So, that's probably another reason God put me here. 200 miles away: so I wouldn't interfere with him growing up and moving on.
Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand. I mean, if you got a call from your brother late at night because he wanted to ask you if he's a completely horrible person, you'd wish you hadn't left too. Sometimes this is the hardest part of life for me. It's been such a learning experience but a huge burden and hardship at the same time.
So, to the point. Tonight was Sojo's opening night as a lead in our high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof. I wasn't there. I was here in Kentucky. 200 miles away. This is such a big event in his life, and I'm not there. It hit me about the time the curtain would be opening. I realized I wasn't there, anticipating his entrance in the musical. I wasn't there with his favorite candy (since flowers are girly...) and a nice card which contains a handwritten note about how proud I am. Yes, I will be there for the other 3 shows this weekend, but still. He was always there for me on opening night. Every show. He was there. I always got the biggest hugs when he came through the cast line.
Sojo, I'm sorry that I've failed you as a big sister. Again.
I know I say this a lot... but you know I would be there if I could.
Love you, bruh.
Always.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
It's Been a Few Days too Long...
So, I've slacked. Big time. My apologies!
Today I conquered my performance anxiety by a little more! My piano teacher had me play in front of my Music Theory class which is about 30 people. Oh, and the catch? I didn't know when I during class I was going to play. She kept it a secret. She's a sneaky one, she is. So I had to sit through class not knowing when she was going to look at me and say, "Sadie, go play. Now." (If you knew my piano teacher you would know that the tone or inflection of that command is not mean in any way whatesoever.) The whole class period my heart was pounding and I was short of breathe, but you know what? When she looked at me with 5 minutes left in the class time and said, "Sadie, go play. Now." I did it. And I played my Chopin Prelude in b minor the best I had ever played it. That made me realize that I can do this. I can play my Chopin Prelude in front of 100 people at Convocation. (Oh, and my mom is coming down for it, which I'm totally stoked for!)
My piano teacher gave me an assignment to find someone different to play for every day until I perform at Convocation on April 17th at 11:00am in Cralle Theater. Do I cry or puke when I think of that? No. Not anymore. All my piano major friends pull me into practice rooms randomly and tell me to play for them. It's so good to know that they all care so much about my success! That, and they've been where I am so they understand what it's like and they appreciated what their upperclassmen friends did for them. I have a particular piano major friend, Louie, who makes me incredibly nervous. Thanks to our piano teacher he is now aware that of everyone on Bellarmine's campus he is the person who makes me the most nervous. So he now makes me play for him whenever I see him, which I am incredibly grateful for! I love Louie. If you knew him, you would love him too. I promise you that. It's a 100% guarantee.
Today I'm just appreciating the simple things in life and I am content where I am in life. I know that I'll improve at whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm working on or being an adult...I know that will come with time. So, instead of always wanting more than I have and always being discontent with my progress (especially with things that take time to develop) and with my life I will just appreciate what I do have, what I can do and be joyful at how much I've progressed.
I hope your day was as eye opening as mine was!
Love you guys.
Today I conquered my performance anxiety by a little more! My piano teacher had me play in front of my Music Theory class which is about 30 people. Oh, and the catch? I didn't know when I during class I was going to play. She kept it a secret. She's a sneaky one, she is. So I had to sit through class not knowing when she was going to look at me and say, "Sadie, go play. Now." (If you knew my piano teacher you would know that the tone or inflection of that command is not mean in any way whatesoever.) The whole class period my heart was pounding and I was short of breathe, but you know what? When she looked at me with 5 minutes left in the class time and said, "Sadie, go play. Now." I did it. And I played my Chopin Prelude in b minor the best I had ever played it. That made me realize that I can do this. I can play my Chopin Prelude in front of 100 people at Convocation. (Oh, and my mom is coming down for it, which I'm totally stoked for!)
My piano teacher gave me an assignment to find someone different to play for every day until I perform at Convocation on April 17th at 11:00am in Cralle Theater. Do I cry or puke when I think of that? No. Not anymore. All my piano major friends pull me into practice rooms randomly and tell me to play for them. It's so good to know that they all care so much about my success! That, and they've been where I am so they understand what it's like and they appreciated what their upperclassmen friends did for them. I have a particular piano major friend, Louie, who makes me incredibly nervous. Thanks to our piano teacher he is now aware that of everyone on Bellarmine's campus he is the person who makes me the most nervous. So he now makes me play for him whenever I see him, which I am incredibly grateful for! I love Louie. If you knew him, you would love him too. I promise you that. It's a 100% guarantee.
Today I'm just appreciating the simple things in life and I am content where I am in life. I know that I'll improve at whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm working on or being an adult...I know that will come with time. So, instead of always wanting more than I have and always being discontent with my progress (especially with things that take time to develop) and with my life I will just appreciate what I do have, what I can do and be joyful at how much I've progressed.
I hope your day was as eye opening as mine was!
Love you guys.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Anxiety
About two to two and a half years ago I developed an anxiety problem.
I think it started about the time we moved into a house in town with my mom when my parents got separated. I was in charge of the house, for the most part, while mom was at work. I cleaned, did laundry, did the dishes and all the house stuff which included running my younger brother wherever he needed to go. So, I'm not sure if I just had abandonment issues, or what it was but I started freaking out (hyperventilating, skyrocketed heartbeat, etc.) whenever I couldn't get ahold of the people who meant the most to me: my mom, brother, twin sister and my boyfriend at the time.
Unfortunately, I didn't deal with it when it started and so it's just gotten worse over time. There are a lot of triggers to my anxiety attacks, and now it's starting to really affect my life. I can freak out for any of the following reasons: my mom, brother, dad or good friend/boyfriend doesn't answer their phone, I eat something that is a common allergen, a person I know dies, I walk by myself (day or night), I have to perform for people (the larger the number, the worse it is), and talking in front of people I don't know or are intimidated by. At least, those are the ones I can think of at the moment.
So, as a music major I have to perform in front of my fellow music majors at an event we call "Convocation" which happens every Tuesday. I haven't had to play at convocation yet, but on April 17th I have to. I'm going to play a Chopin piece from memory, which, if you're a piano person you know that's not easy. At all.
Whenever I sit down to practice and memorize the piece I freak out. I start thinking about having to play from memory and the fact that there will be 80 people. All watching me. My eyes tear up and my breathing gets shallow, my heart rate rises rapidly. I've learned a few tricks here and there to calm myself down, but as Convocation gets closer my anxiety gets worse.
I need to get over this. I want to, I really do. People (some of my family even) say I'm just being dramatic, that I'm overreacting...but no one in their right mind chooses to be this way. This is not fun, it's not something I like to do. I hate this, I hate being this way.
I will overcome this. I don't have a choice.
I think it started about the time we moved into a house in town with my mom when my parents got separated. I was in charge of the house, for the most part, while mom was at work. I cleaned, did laundry, did the dishes and all the house stuff which included running my younger brother wherever he needed to go. So, I'm not sure if I just had abandonment issues, or what it was but I started freaking out (hyperventilating, skyrocketed heartbeat, etc.) whenever I couldn't get ahold of the people who meant the most to me: my mom, brother, twin sister and my boyfriend at the time.
Unfortunately, I didn't deal with it when it started and so it's just gotten worse over time. There are a lot of triggers to my anxiety attacks, and now it's starting to really affect my life. I can freak out for any of the following reasons: my mom, brother, dad or good friend/boyfriend doesn't answer their phone, I eat something that is a common allergen, a person I know dies, I walk by myself (day or night), I have to perform for people (the larger the number, the worse it is), and talking in front of people I don't know or are intimidated by. At least, those are the ones I can think of at the moment.
So, as a music major I have to perform in front of my fellow music majors at an event we call "Convocation" which happens every Tuesday. I haven't had to play at convocation yet, but on April 17th I have to. I'm going to play a Chopin piece from memory, which, if you're a piano person you know that's not easy. At all.
Whenever I sit down to practice and memorize the piece I freak out. I start thinking about having to play from memory and the fact that there will be 80 people. All watching me. My eyes tear up and my breathing gets shallow, my heart rate rises rapidly. I've learned a few tricks here and there to calm myself down, but as Convocation gets closer my anxiety gets worse.
I need to get over this. I want to, I really do. People (some of my family even) say I'm just being dramatic, that I'm overreacting...but no one in their right mind chooses to be this way. This is not fun, it's not something I like to do. I hate this, I hate being this way.
I will overcome this. I don't have a choice.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Young, Wild and Free.
So, tonight around 9:30ish a friend of mine and my roommate and I went "adventuring."
I felt like a little kid again.
We just walked around campus climbing, jumping, and dancing around. It was so much fun. I forgot how much fun it is when the weather is nice and you're in the best mood.
I've always been one to love playing outside, and climbing trees, running through the grass: the whole nine yards.
There's nothing like just being outside and appreciating everything that God made. The air was the perfect temperature, the stars were beautiful and the night was fantastic.
We just talked, laughed, walked around. It was fun. We laughed. We laughed so much, so hard, so loud. We didn't even care what people thought or if they stared. Granted, it was almost 10pm and almost no one was out, but the people who were? Oh, they stared like there was no tomorrow.
I love my friends. Seriously.
This summer will be fantastic, besides the fact that they won't be in Ohio with me.
Nevermind.
This summer will suck.
Haha.
I felt like a little kid again.
We just walked around campus climbing, jumping, and dancing around. It was so much fun. I forgot how much fun it is when the weather is nice and you're in the best mood.
I've always been one to love playing outside, and climbing trees, running through the grass: the whole nine yards.
There's nothing like just being outside and appreciating everything that God made. The air was the perfect temperature, the stars were beautiful and the night was fantastic.
We just talked, laughed, walked around. It was fun. We laughed. We laughed so much, so hard, so loud. We didn't even care what people thought or if they stared. Granted, it was almost 10pm and almost no one was out, but the people who were? Oh, they stared like there was no tomorrow.
I love my friends. Seriously.
This summer will be fantastic, besides the fact that they won't be in Ohio with me.
Nevermind.
This summer will suck.
Haha.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tonight, We Are Young (and we DON'T have it all figured out)
My mom had a stress test done on her heart recently, and I realized: I won't have my parents forever. My dad is 51-- already through a little over half his life. My mom is going to be 45 this year. This will sound dumb, but every year...they get older too. Soon they'll be approaching the stage of life with health issues and decline in well-being (though I pray they continue to be healthy)...that breaks my heart more than anything.
So yes, I can get angry over stupid things we have said and done to each other, but in the end, who will that help? In the end, when my Mom is on her death bed, I won't be thinking about how angry I was when she made a catty remark regarding my Stepmom.
My mom and dad have raised me to be better than that, and they deserve better from me. The best, really. Someday, I hope to be half the Mom my mother is and has been. I want the kind, but firm and strong spirit my mother has combined with my dad's self assuredness and his ability to help/push/drive his kids to success through love and encouragement.
My parents have made and will continue to make mistakes because they are human. And for me to think I could judge them as more than that, or judge them at all is completely ridiculous, uncalled for, selfish, and very much "holier-than-thou" of me. I am acting exactly the way I hate other people acting. I am no better than anyone else. My pride needs knocked down quite a few notches.
Mom, Dad: if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being such a hypocrite. I promise that from now on I'll appreciate every moment and conversation and learn from it. I will appreciate the time I have with you, and be content with my life.
We need to love our parents. We are so busy trying to grow up and trying to be grown ups that we forget that they are also growing old.
So yes, I can get angry over stupid things we have said and done to each other, but in the end, who will that help? In the end, when my Mom is on her death bed, I won't be thinking about how angry I was when she made a catty remark regarding my Stepmom.
My mom and dad have raised me to be better than that, and they deserve better from me. The best, really. Someday, I hope to be half the Mom my mother is and has been. I want the kind, but firm and strong spirit my mother has combined with my dad's self assuredness and his ability to help/push/drive his kids to success through love and encouragement.
My parents have made and will continue to make mistakes because they are human. And for me to think I could judge them as more than that, or judge them at all is completely ridiculous, uncalled for, selfish, and very much "holier-than-thou" of me. I am acting exactly the way I hate other people acting. I am no better than anyone else. My pride needs knocked down quite a few notches.
Mom, Dad: if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being such a hypocrite. I promise that from now on I'll appreciate every moment and conversation and learn from it. I will appreciate the time I have with you, and be content with my life.
We need to love our parents. We are so busy trying to grow up and trying to be grown ups that we forget that they are also growing old.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
You Have Friends for A Reason
So, today me and a bunch of my friends went to brunch in our dining hall at noon. We came in different groups so we got there a few minutes apart and I was talking with my friend Austin when I saw my roommate and another friend walk in. I started quickly walking towards them to tell them where we were sitting and I hear Austin behind me yelling, "Sadie! SADie! SADIE! WATCH OU--" and then I realized why he was yelling just about the same time my right foot slid and flew in the air and all my weight landed on my left hip.
I immediately started laughing so they would know that a.) I was okay and b.) it was okay to laugh too. I'll admit though, I was totally embarassed. My boyfriend, roommate and a few other friends rushed over to help me up and make sure I was okay. Honestly though, I was laughing so I wouldn't cry. It hurt so badly, and I was completely embarassed. My friends were laughing, and my pride, and hip were in pain.
Once I got up, I grabbed onto and hugged my roommate for probably a good, full minute and she kept reassuring me that everything was fine and it didn't matter that everyone saw it or if they were laughing or not; all that mattered was that I was okay. Well, I thought I was okay. I tried to walk a few steps to my boyfriend and it brought tears to my eyes because it hurt so much. I hugged him then decided I needed to go sit down, that was a bad idea. Sitting in a chair hurt worse than walking. He told me to stay put and he'd bring me my food. (He's an incredibly sweet guy!) He got me all of my favorite things and we sat and ate for about a half hour while some of my not-so-close friends told me how graceful of a faller I was, and how they'd never seen someone fall so neatly and ladylike. That made me feel a little bit better.
I told my boyfriend I needed to go back to the dorms because I needed to lie down and take some medicine and he offered to walk back with me before his fraternity's kick ball game. I got up to leave and the pain was only getting worse. All the way back to the dorms he offered to carry me but I kept refusing (I'm just a little bit stubborn), but deep inside I wanted to say yes.
All afternoon my hip has just gotten stiffer and more painful and people kept offering to do things for me or go get me whatever I needed, but I politely declined.
People. We have friends for a reason: to be there for us and help us when we're down. I need to get over my pride and stop being stubborn. I really need help right now; I can't walk hardly at all. People, my friends, have been trying to do their job all day, and I haven't been letting them because I am stubborn and prideful. So, I think tomorrow (which I predict will be much more painful than today...) I will let them help me.
I immediately started laughing so they would know that a.) I was okay and b.) it was okay to laugh too. I'll admit though, I was totally embarassed. My boyfriend, roommate and a few other friends rushed over to help me up and make sure I was okay. Honestly though, I was laughing so I wouldn't cry. It hurt so badly, and I was completely embarassed. My friends were laughing, and my pride, and hip were in pain.
Once I got up, I grabbed onto and hugged my roommate for probably a good, full minute and she kept reassuring me that everything was fine and it didn't matter that everyone saw it or if they were laughing or not; all that mattered was that I was okay. Well, I thought I was okay. I tried to walk a few steps to my boyfriend and it brought tears to my eyes because it hurt so much. I hugged him then decided I needed to go sit down, that was a bad idea. Sitting in a chair hurt worse than walking. He told me to stay put and he'd bring me my food. (He's an incredibly sweet guy!) He got me all of my favorite things and we sat and ate for about a half hour while some of my not-so-close friends told me how graceful of a faller I was, and how they'd never seen someone fall so neatly and ladylike. That made me feel a little bit better.
I told my boyfriend I needed to go back to the dorms because I needed to lie down and take some medicine and he offered to walk back with me before his fraternity's kick ball game. I got up to leave and the pain was only getting worse. All the way back to the dorms he offered to carry me but I kept refusing (I'm just a little bit stubborn), but deep inside I wanted to say yes.
All afternoon my hip has just gotten stiffer and more painful and people kept offering to do things for me or go get me whatever I needed, but I politely declined.
People. We have friends for a reason: to be there for us and help us when we're down. I need to get over my pride and stop being stubborn. I really need help right now; I can't walk hardly at all. People, my friends, have been trying to do their job all day, and I haven't been letting them because I am stubborn and prideful. So, I think tomorrow (which I predict will be much more painful than today...) I will let them help me.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Sunny Skies
I am itching to get outside right now, but I want to get this writing done first! I thought about taking my laptop outside, but the sun would reflect off the screen and I'd probably get frustrated.
It is sunny and 80 degrees here in Louisville today! The sun is out, the sky is blue, the trees are blossoming and the grass is finally turning green again. I have always viewed spring as the refreshing, new start. I don't care if that is cliche or trite. It's just how it is. Our campus here is beautiful and I just want to go lay under a tree and read a book, which I will most likely do here soon. Just the smell in the air overwhelms me; the feel of the breeze is wonderful; the sunshine on my skin is a feeling I will never get tired of...until summer when I get burnt like a lobster. But for now I am in love with it.
Warning: I am about to get all deep and ridiculous on you.
I'm just starting my life. Me and all my friends here, my friends from back home who have gone to college, we're all just starting. Our lives are taking off, and now that it's spring time I can feel it. I mean, a year ago we were itching to graduate from high school. Now look where we are! We're becoming adults, making our own decisions, living "on our own" and away from home. I never thought I'd be capable of any of those things, if I'm being honest. But look at us. We're becoming the people we're supposed to be, and it's all happening so fast! Spring is symbolic for us. It really is. I'm excited for what is going to happen in the futures. Althought I can say I'm glad I have a while before the whole get married, have kids thing happens...somewhere deep in my heart I'm still afraid of marriage. But that, kids, is a story for another day.
I'M GOING TO GO PLAY OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!
It is sunny and 80 degrees here in Louisville today! The sun is out, the sky is blue, the trees are blossoming and the grass is finally turning green again. I have always viewed spring as the refreshing, new start. I don't care if that is cliche or trite. It's just how it is. Our campus here is beautiful and I just want to go lay under a tree and read a book, which I will most likely do here soon. Just the smell in the air overwhelms me; the feel of the breeze is wonderful; the sunshine on my skin is a feeling I will never get tired of...until summer when I get burnt like a lobster. But for now I am in love with it.
Warning: I am about to get all deep and ridiculous on you.
I'm just starting my life. Me and all my friends here, my friends from back home who have gone to college, we're all just starting. Our lives are taking off, and now that it's spring time I can feel it. I mean, a year ago we were itching to graduate from high school. Now look where we are! We're becoming adults, making our own decisions, living "on our own" and away from home. I never thought I'd be capable of any of those things, if I'm being honest. But look at us. We're becoming the people we're supposed to be, and it's all happening so fast! Spring is symbolic for us. It really is. I'm excited for what is going to happen in the futures. Althought I can say I'm glad I have a while before the whole get married, have kids thing happens...somewhere deep in my heart I'm still afraid of marriage. But that, kids, is a story for another day.
I'M GOING TO GO PLAY OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I am no writer.
I am not a writer, but I have a lot to say. This won't be anything fancy, I don't know a lot of words you'll have to look up in the dictionary, and sometimes it will be scatter-brained and disorganized. Regardless, I wanted to give this a shot. So this will be counted as my first post, and it's the shortest thing ever written, and if anything it is more of an apology of what is to follow.
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